Most plot synopses of Blood Delirium would have you believe the film concerns a mad artist who believes himself a reincarnation of Vincent van Gogh. This proves as misleading as saying Big Trouble in Little China is about a trucker who believes himself John Wayne.

Allow me to attempt a fuller sense of the film’s inanity. It begins with Sybille, a concert pianist, returning home to strip topless before preparing dinner for her boyfriend while listening to her answering machine messages. One message conveys a haunting warning involving “two candles, one flame,” before the window blows open.

Cut to a gothic castle owned by renowned painter Saint Simon. His wife, Christine, also a pianist, and who looks identical to Sybille, lies in bed on death’s door. As a storm rages outside, Christine dies, plunging Simon into a deep depression.

Cut to Simon, who’s now unable to paint. Along with his manservant Hermann, Simon exhumes Christine’s now-decrepit corpse. Some awkward dialog informs us it’s been a year since her death—which explains the decomposition—rather than the few days we’d assumed.

Having a putrid skeleton wired to the piano in his studio doesn’t solve Simon’s block, but Simon soon meets Sybille.

Sybille had chanced upon an invitation to one of Simon’s shows a year earlier after her “vision” and declined to go, but fate again intervenes and she wanders into his exhibit where she catches his eye.

Simon invites her back to his castle, and she accepts. Driving there, three glowing alien-like orbs assault Simon on a deserted roadway. He pulls over and discovers Sybille on the side of the road. He gives her a lift back to his castle. Later, Sybille returns to her broken-down car with Hermann, who attempts to fix it but fails. Before returning to the castle, Hermann assaults a local girl who he refers to as “a nice piece of ass.” Sybille watches with a detached expression of mild interest as the girl fights off Hermann.

Back at the castle, Simon shows Sybille his paintings, which include “The Devil Shitting out the Universe”. He dresses her in his dead wife’s clothes and confines her to her room. She remains nonplussed.

That night, Hermann abducts the girl from earlier and brings her back to the castle where he rapes and kills her. This scene offers ample nudity and blood. Hearing the girl’s cries, Simon takes the longest route possible to intervene, bursting in too late, and begins reprimanding Hermann before noticing the blood. This, he realizes, is what he’s been looking for: the color of suffering.

Thus, the film settles into a quasi remake of A Bucket of Blood. Simon phones up one of Sybille’s friends, lures her to the castle, murders her, then drains her body of blood. As Hermann’s wheeling out the drained corpse, Simon warns him, “Don’t molest her!”

Ah yes, I’ve forgotten to mention: before Christine’s funeral, Simon caught Hermann molesting Christine’s corpse.

Anyway, Sybille’s boyfriend shows up, helicopters over the castle, then joins a group of movers to infiltrate the premises, where he attempts a rescue. He fails, but Christine’s spirit sets all of Simon’s paintings ablaze and destroys the castle with Simon and Hermann trapped inside.

Yes, I’ve spoiled the plot, if such inanity can be spoiled. My duty as a reviewer is to offer a sense of the viewing experience. The above should warn most viewers away. But for those that enjoy these types of films, rest assured, it’s more bonkers than I can describe.